During 2014, I have learned a generous amount of truths. A couple of which are:
Being infatuated, felt amazing.
Being in love, felt amazing.
Being in love with the right person, felt amazing.
Being in love with the right person at the wrong time, not so amazing.
Romance is dead -- is what I thought when I got my heart broken. The statement Ariana Grande promptly sang, 'I've cried enough tears to see my own reflection in them' was probably an understatement. I cried for months. I cried in the shower, on my bed, in a cab, watching sappy movies, watching action movies, walking to the fridge. I just cried. I needed to let out all of the crap I felt within me. And I was bitter. I was bitter like a slow drip cold brew from your local artisanal coffee shop where all your good little hipsters take their double tapped photos. No sugar, of course. I dwelled in the feeling. I savoured it. I denied it and walked around like a champ. For a time, I lived off of it. Yeah, it was bad.
I used to love Rom-coms. I was the girl who thought romance was probably one of the best things God gave us. I would dream of travelling the world, meeting a sharp young man and go off traveling the world together. Then we'd get married and have a family. Picket fences? Uh, yes. Lawns filled with toys of our children and a yellow slide? Definitely. Oh and don't forget the dogs. We've got big ones and an exception of one tiny french bulldog. Crack open my heart and you'd see this scenario, and the perfectness of it all just me and my family serving God and living.
But this bitterness seeped deep down into my heart and created murky waters that drowned the idea and swallowed it up. And I somehow got it in my mind to think: Hah. Romance is not real. I would stare at couples, watch movies, listen to music and start despising what I saw and heard. I thought it was all stupid. I would generally just hate the idea of romance. And it gets worse.
I was praying one day, and I said "God, how can I love someone, if i'm supposed to be consumed and be so in love with You? Parang I can't handle both. I can only handle being consumed by one thing and I think I'd rather it be You." I was crying buckets. Because I was trying to contemplate how to balance things out. Because I wanted to love someone without compromising my love for God. I was throwing in the towel for my dream. I cried myself to sleep that night.
God woke me up the next morning with the sweetest whisper. "You can, because I first loved you." Here come the tears. I bawled my eyes out. I was in shock. I knew that verse from the bottom of my heart. 1 John 4:19. It was right under my nose. But bitterness blinded me from what I already knew. I could only give something that I had. And God gave it to me. God gave me love. And He gave me so much love that I am more than blessed to give it back not only to Him but to others too.
But love is not romance. Nope ladies. Do not be confused by the two. Romance is the flowery, Kilig, big gesture etc. etc. that can be the product of love. Love is the choice that can produce romance. I still had that problem. I still thought, I can love.. Sure.. But I can't be romantic about it. It all seems so stupid, Lord. Is what I said.
I remember reading Song of Solomon for the first time. I thought, "Lord? Parang... di yata pang bata to? It seems very... intimate... And... kind of weird to be in the Bible, don't you think?" And hey, this was really what I thought. I just thought this book is SO out of place, what in the world is it doing in the Bible? I thought, maybe Solomon was just emotional or PMS'ing or something. And I guess the world has tainted the idea of intimacy being something sexual too. I'm just being honest here. But I knew God didn't just put that in by mistake. There was something about this book.
My Mom preached a long time ago about How God felt towards us. She once asked God how He felt about us, His children. Now, if you knew my mom, she loved being married to my father. And I remember her saying that the feeling of kilig, security, passion, comfort, and assurance that she got from my father. All of the things that was produced by Love was how God felt towards us too. He loves us with an intimate Love, a love that you can only get a glimpse of within a marriage. That's how He feels towards us. And recently God lead my Mom to preach about the Song of Solomon to the church that answered my question: Is romance dead?
And it was an eye opener. If you read Song of Solomon there are 3 basic characters. You have the a guy, a bride, and the daughters of Jerusalem. And say, that God was the guy, you were the bride, and the daughters of Jerusalem was the world. Now try reading it again. In this book, God shows an intimate kind of love with you, His beloved. He finds you perfect, and beautiful. Now all this is very Romantic. I guess what God was trying to tell me was... Romance is not dead. The proper, and Godly Romance is not dead. I was just looking in the wrong place. I don't know if I'm explaining any of this properly because the truth of this is so real and alive in me. To me, romance is not defined by one single lover or crushes or a feeling anymore.
We have been looking at romance and intimacy in an altered way where it is between a man and a woman only. It can be with God too. And I know I'm starting to sound like one of those girls who say "Jesus is my boyfriend" which I personally find weird (and yes I did say that when I was 13, don't judge.) But look at what the world has brainwashed us into thinking? Romance isn't only for you and for that guy you like. Romance can be with God produced by Agape love. Intimacy can be with God produced by Agape love. Assurance, and Kilig, and comfort, all that Romance can behold can be with God, produced by Agape love.
Even the dictionary doesn't limit Romance to just a man and a woman.
ro·mance
rōˈmans,ˈrōˌmans/
noun
- 1.a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.
We can feel excited by the mystery and wonder of God. Of His love for us. Wondering what He has in store for us. That being said,
Being infatuated, felt amazing.
Being in love, felt amazing.
Being in love with God, is amazing.
Knowing that God is Romantically and Intimately in love with you, feels spectacular.
Now, doesn't that make you feel incredibly loved?
I am ending this year with a realization that God is a God of Love. And He loves you to be able to Love. You are on this earth to Love. It's one big Love story from the beginning. So this 2015, I challenge you to Love. Love God, Love man, Love your dog, Love your neighbours, Love the people around you, Love life, Love, just Love. Redefine romance. Just because you don't have a man in your life, doesn't mean you can't have Romance. And Romance is in the air, and it's coming from God. Romance with boys, can wait.
Happy New Year xx
Seed
